PETA, Clay Aiken and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) got Triumph the Insult Comic Dog to do an ad campaign promoting neutering pets. A good cause, not so controversial as the other causes PETA espouses. The ad shows Triumph wearing a conical plastic collar and a bandaid on his crotch. The tagline reads, "Get Neutered — It didn't hurt Clay Aiken."
Why Clay Aiken? In a Rolling Stone cover story (remember when Rolling Stone put rock musicians on the cover?), Aiken said, "I think cats are Satan. There's nothing worse to me than a house cat. When I was about 16, I had a kitten and ran over it. Seeing that cat die, I actually think that its spirit has haunted me. I wasn't afraid of cats before. But now they scare me to death." PETA took offense and wrote Aiken a letter requesting a public retraction asserting that cats are actually "deserving of kindness, respect and love, and that everybody should always be kind to animals." Aiken ignored them, thus the grudge.
Aiken's interview comments don't offend me, but neither does the PETA ad. Anyone who releases a CD entitled Measure of a Man deserves some genital ridicule. The ad hasn't run yet, and PETA is offering to nix the ad if Aiken agrees to make a statement urging pet owners to spay or neuter their animals and give PETA an interview. How asinine. The best response to this sort of blackmail is reverse blackmail: "If you run that ad, I'll buy a fur coat."
Meanwhile, Triumph himself sides with Aiken and belittles PETA in a hilarious statement on his website.
Recently I agreed to do an ad for PETA. Why? I'm not into animal rights. The only animal right I want is the right to hump Ashanti's leg. Look at your average animal lovers, like Moby and Bill Maher. Sure, Bill Maher love animals... that's because humans hate him! Moby? Nice guy, but not the best looking man. I hear Moby had sex with a poodle once, and the poodle was arrested for bestiality. Vegetarianism? Count me out. I ain't giving up cow, or bird, or pig. So why the hell should you? Hell, we'd eat you if someone dropped a slice on the floor. Oh, yes. We'll have the deep fried Moby with a side of glazed Mary Tyler Moore, please. Dessert? I'm torn between the Pam Anderson flambe and the flourless Alec Baldwin cake. Bottom line: animals are assholes. Delicious assholes.
Triumph says his first choice for tagline was "Chop 'Em Off — They Didn't Taste That Great Anyway," which is much funnier than the Aiken gag and not instantly dated. Triumph's website has plenty of cool audio and video downloads, plus links to articles and interviews. From his Playboy interview:
Do you have any fetishes?
I have multiple-boob fantasies. I mean, eight is great, but I get off on fake photos of poodles with 16 or 24.
Now that's kinky. Triumph is my idol.
